Category Archives: Love

But I’m Not The Only One

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I find myself writing this from my very favorite green chair, a chair I’ve had since I was 17, that is stationed firmly up against a wall in Dan’s room. It’s weird seeing my things here, because this place is so familiar, and my things are so familiar… but together they are different. Together my chair, my paintings, my tea box, and Dan’s room all make up something new. I’ve been here so many times, but tonight I’m not just visiting… and I can feel it. As he set his desk up in a different corner of the room to accommodate my life inside of his he asked me, “how am I going to set up this microphone?”, and I answered with “we’ll figure it out.” Earlier today he told me he doesn’t like “We’ll figure it out”, because it may sound nice and reassuring, but it really just means something hasn’t been figured out yet. I like it, though.

I figure this is significant in some way, but I’m not quite sure how to go about analyzing the evidence.

 

I’m comfortable not having plans. I’m comfortable having plans to eventually have plans. Most people want to map everything out, be in control of all the variables. Me? I more or less operate my life with a vague outline of what I want and how I want to get it, rather than taking that extra step and fleshing out a draft. I don’t believe in 5 year plans, nor do I believe that you can plan for everything. This keeps me optimistic, I think, since it allows me to believe that everything is still possible… even if it isn’t. Maybe I still want to be a princess when I grow up. I haven’t thought about all the reasons why it could never happen, or everything that could go wrong along the way, I’ve only thought of all the reasons why it would be awesome.

I guess… you could say I’m a dreamer.

In fact, I would say I have more dreams than goals. The difference between those two being that dreams are the things people usually give up to achieve their goals. The sad thing is that the world that we live in is designed to let people do that. My freshman history professor once said to my class that the world is full of dream killers, and it’s resonated with me through out the years. To me, this doesn’t necessarily mean that there are a bunch of people out there who are actively trying to keep others from being what they want to be, but there will always be people around to tell you why you can’t do something. Sometimes it’s someone as close to you as your best friend, sometimes it’s someone you barely know, and sometimes it’s yourself.

You see, we were told that we could be or do anything, but life isn’t actually set up that way.  They send us to school for 16 years, and somewhere between learning to drive and throwing your tasseled hat in to the air, you have to decide what you’re going to do with the rest of your life. There’s never any real time to sit down and actually think about the decisions we’re making; we’re just rushed in to making them. I didn’t know what shoes I wanted to wear when I was 18, let alone what productive role in society I wanted to fill. We spend our whole childhood preparing for our life to start… but when is that exactly? Does it start after high school, after college, after you get married and buy a house, after you have a baby? I’ve come to realize that the answer is relatively simple. Life isn’t some big grand thing that we have to be on a list to get in to. Life is apparently what happens when you’re busy making other plans. This is it. Lion King had it right. Life starts “the day we arrive on this planet.”

I don’t want to be too busy making plans to realize that I’m living.

So yeah, we’ll figure it out. Assurance may be safe, but it’s boring, too. I don’t know where I’m going to be in my life next year, but I know that I’m out here taking real risks for the first time in ever. I’m young, I’m in love, and I’m not going to bother with noticing the dream killers anymore – not even the one in myself. Looking back, that’s probably what my history professor was hoping we’d get out of that lecture. The truth is that the world is actually full of possibilities, but it’s only as full of them as you let it be.

It occurs to me that I’m writing an unintentional homage to John Lennon, and though I’m not the biggest fan, it’s okay. I suppose the guy said some cool things from time to time.

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Dear Alyssa Bereznak

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On this particular planet that most of us find ourselves living a day-to-day kind of life on, I find that there are layers upon layers of social norms to adhere to and social stigmas to avoid.  For much of my life, I have unwittingly failed at adhering to any kind of social norm, which has consequently left me with a kind of ineptitude in avoiding social stigmas.  For instance, did you know that online dating was looked down upon?  Apparently it’s embarrassing.  Here I thought that meeting someone in a venue completely disconnected from any kind of physicality, and therefore a place where you would have to actually get to know one another, would be generally regarded as a good idea.  I mean, God forbid getting to know someone on a purely intellectual level! What does personality really say about a potential dating partner, anyway?

Apparently it says less than a man with his hand on his back pocket willing to fork over copious amounts of cash to pay for whatever insanely priced drink a girl asks for… just so she’ll bat her glittered eyes at him one more time.

Such was my ignorance to any of these circumstances, that I signed up for a dating website on purpose.  Yes, on purpose.  No one suggested it to me.  I didn’t do it as a joke.  I didn’t hide it from anyone.  I went on OkCupid one day, filled in the register box and quickly filled out an awkward profile for myself.  I merely wanted to meet and talk to new people.  I wasn’t even drunk.

Now, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get my fair amount of decidedly “creeper” status messages from men who were either supremely desperate, or supremely scary, but it wasn’t overwhelming.  To be honest, most of the messages I received were very polite and even, in a lot of cases, intelligently written.  Now, what conclusion can I draw from this? Sadly, that, for some reason or another, friendly and intelligent men are being overlooked IRL. Creepy men are also being overlooked, as it turns out, but I feel less sorry for them.

Out of a grand total of three days on the website, I had spoken to a few very well spoken men including a law student, a medical student, a volunteer who worked with children, a legal secretary… and then, finally, a teacher with a masters degree in engineering.  They all made me laugh, they were all friendly, and I enjoyed talking to each of them in their own way.  I can’t imagine having met anyone nicer or smarter in a bar or at a club any more than I can imagine falling in love with the guy being cheered on for his amazing beer pong skills.

Of course, of course… you always run a risk.  I admit I would be remiss if I conveniently ignored the possibility that “John the Medical Student” was actually “Big-Dog the Escaped Convict”, but the risk is there with anyone regardless of how you met them.  People don’t need a computer screen to hide behind or to lie to you.  Having said that, I am also kind of an accepting person.  Admittedly, serious jail time would probably be a deal breaker for me, but finding out an awesome, intelligent, and funny guy is… I don’t know, say, a gamer, perhaps?  I don’t see a problem.

I don’t even see a reason why this would be a problem.

There I go, though, with my inability to avoid social stigmas.  Did you know there was a stigma attached to online gaming, to gaming in general? No? Then you’re probably like me, and don’t feel the need to label someone a “nerd” or be put off by a person just because they have a hobby that doesn’t necessarily involve tubes of alcohol and glow sticks.  Not that I’m saying the two preclude each other, but then I’m not a gamer.

I do, however, date one.  Proudly.  He’s a teacher with a masters degree in engineering.  His name is Boyfriend Scott.

Yes, Internet.  I went on an online dating website called OkCupid, got to know a guy completely based off of his ability to write emails (very well, might I add), and didn’t find out until after I met him how important gaming was in his life… and I’m completely in love with him.  As far as I’m concerned, gaming is just one more facet of his personality that makes him who he is, and he’s a truly amazing man.  Also, playing games is pretty damn fun.

If this is a social stigma, I don’t want to be a norm.  I’ll leave that to judgmental Gizmodo editors.

Single judgmental Gizmodo editors.

Love As A Rabbit Hole

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It occurs to me that falling in love is much the same, I imagine, as falling down the rabbit hole.  That was an actual literary reference and not an allusion to The Matrix.  Sorry, guys.  Anyhow, you may be asking yourself why I would make this kind of association.  You may not be.  You’re in luck either way, though, because I’m going to explain it regardless: Falling in love takes you by surprise, you can’t stop yourself even if you try, you may or may not be terrified (Alice seemed strangely aloof, in any case), and you have no idea where you’re going until you get there.  That, Dear Reader, is how love is like falling down the rabbit hole.

Actually… that’s how life is like falling down the rabbit hole, too.

Open Hearts and Scott Pilgrim

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I am interested, Dear Reader, in not being a hypocrite and in being a good person.  I think I can do this.  While the execution may, admittedly, be lacking at times… I believe the idea is sound.  I never want to hurt anyone on purpose (or on accident, for that matter).  I never want to make anyone uncomfortable or unhappy.  I want to train any trace of vindictiveness out of my personality.  It’s there, of course.  As mentioned in your intro course to Terin, I am only human.  I am currently going through a phase where I would love to hear that The Second is failing in all his endeavors, but I’m certain it will pass.  I am, as luck would have it, not a grudge holder.  If you’ve wronged me in some way, I will never turn down an apology.  Even if you don’t apologize, I find, I will still forgive you anyway.

The problem, though, is that this is really a great way to get walked all over.

Perhaps therein lies the flaw in anyone’s quest to be a nice person.  We have to choose, don’t we?  Between opening our hearts and letting people in, and closing our hearts to keep the pain out.  Every slight dealt to us by clumsy hands makes it that much harder to forgive and forget.  This really isn’t the fairest of setups either, seeing as how the next person to come along in our lives will invariably be made to carry the brunt of a hurt that they had no part in creating.  So, what do we do? Do we trust indiscriminately through the pain? Do we make the decision to not be embittered by past events, and just believe with some kind of blind faith that not everyone can be bad?  That not everyone will hurt us? Ideally, yes. The truth, however, is that we rarely have a choice in how we feel.

In any case, I don’t want to be bitter.  I want to always have an open heart and mind, and I want always to be able to forgive someone when they say they’re sorry.  I’m not there yet, obviously, but I’m working on it.

Also, in a completely unrelated side note: I’m dating Scott Pilgrim.  I know that I’m dating Scott Pilgrim because I’ve read the books and have been awed by page after page of uncanny similarities between the written character, and my boyfriend. Could it be a coincidence? Maybe.  Could it be that these books were really written about my boyfriend?  I find this far more likely.  I guess that makes me Ramona Flowers… which, I mean, is fine as long as I don’t have to get that haircut.  Anyhow, The Third will hereafter always be referred to as Scott.

Until next time.